


Not Quite Like The Others

by Divinelyy



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 10:41:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9436631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Divinelyy/pseuds/Divinelyy
Summary: Yongguk isn’t sure when it started, he always knew something about him wasn’t quite right. “Some times people are born just a bit different.."





	1. Yongguk

Yongguk isn’t sure when it started, he always knew something about him wasn’t quite right. 

“Some times people are born just a bit different. Some times people are born sadder than others.” 

Yongnam used to whisper that to him all the time when they were younger. It was an eleven year old’s poor attempt to comfort a loved one.

 

“He isn’t normal!” 

Yongguk recalls laying next to Yongnam in their shared bed listening to their parents argue, instead of sleeping like they were supposed to.

“He is! He just hasn’t felt the need to speak yet! He’s just a bit shy!’ His mother whispers harshly. Despite being 4 years old, the twins understood what their parents fight was about.

“It’s okay Gukkie..you don’t have to talk if you don’t wanna” their older sister Narae speaks from her bed on the other side of the small room. She always protected her twin brothers, it didn’t matter if the attacker was some playground punk or harsh words from their parents.

 

Maybe it started then.. maybe it was when he was in the 7th grade and started to keep a notebook of his thoughts.. his feelings.. his songs.

It wasn’t until his 2nd year of High School, during literature class, did he discover a name for it. They were reading a western play, the main character wore black clothing all the time, and could barely find a reason to leave his room. They were in a constant state of sadness.. of numbness.. of Depression.

It was that day that Yongguk had a name for it, and for the first time in a long time, he felt comforted.

Yongguk is 16 when he join’s Soul Connection. Despite being older than him, he felt he could relate to his members. His lyrics were a bit dark for his age, he got to frequent night clubs and drink. It was a new world and Yongguk loved it, loved the acceptance. His girlfriend dumps him, but its okay.. he has his music.

Yongguk is 18 when he falls in love with his Biology class lab partner. Every song is about her as well as every thought. He knows she’s special. That what they have is Special. Yongguk is so full of love that sometimes words fail him to the point of frustration. She doesn’t believe in his dream. She doesn’t support it. But Yongguk knows that its only because she wants the best for him. He’ll succeed, for her, he will make sure his face is on every billboard, and his song on every radio station. To quell her worry becomes his motivation. They break up and make up quite often, but its okay. No couple is perfect.

 

Yongguk is 19 when he finds out she’s cheating on him.   
Yongguk isn’t sure how he ended up in the hospital having a tube shoved down his throat, and his stomach pumped. All he knows is Yongnam can barely look at him, his parents won’t leave his side and Narae won’t stop crying. He tells them it was an accident.. His now Ex-girlfriend doesn’t visit him during his 2 week hospital stint.

Yongguk is 20 when he gets signed to a entertainment company. Its a small company, but they promise him the world. They seem trustworthy. He meets Jongup, a charismatic dancer who aims to please those around him. Later he meets Himchan. They become best friends, and things are looking up. A tall boy name Junhong moves into the dorm with them and Jongup is happy to finally be a hyung to someone. Youngjae is next and soon they have a group. The company debuts Yongguk and Junhong, Zelo, as a rap duo. They are successful. Yongguk gets to record and release a song.. it does well. Finally Daehyun comes into the picture and the sight of the small boy with a large voice inspires Yongguk to be a better hyung.

While sitting in the practice room watching his group members joke and laugh, Yongguk feels the burden of responsibility. He is their leader, he’s responsible for these peoples future... their dreams...

Their reality show goes well and Yongguk tries to utilize some of the things he learned during his brief brush with variety shows. Their fan base is growing, and Yongguk knows he has to work harder. He has to make sure their music has a message. Has to put on a brave face for their fans, and for B.A.P. 

Yongguk is strong when Junhong cries because he missed his brothers birthday party, when Daehyun is so beside himself with grief because the amount of people he called “Friend” is dwindling. Yongguk has to be Himchan’s rock when he can’t see that his so called imperfections are beautiful. When Jongup & Youngjae’s only way of knowing how their family is doing is quietly watching their SNS profiles because they’re unsure of how to reignite the flame of communication.

Yongguk has to be a role model. He is the eldest. He has to be the person everyone can lean on. The one who knows just what to say to make things better. He can’t have a moment of weakness.

 

It’s 2015 and B.A.P is back from their hiatus and Yongguk feels a sense of nostalgia while sitting next to Himchan, with their youngers tucked away in their beds. They’re watching television on mute and although it maybe strange, its a BbangChan thing, and Yongguk loves it. 

“Who do you talk to when you’re down?” Himchan asks. Its a random question, and Yongguk isn’t sure how to answer. He’s always “down”, but he knows that isn’t the answer Himchan wants. 

“I talk to my notebook...I talk through our music”

Neither one of them turn away from the muted television. 

“You know... 4:44AM was an eye opener for me-”   
“It wasn’t an attempt to continue alone” Yongguk cuts Himchan off, worried that perhaps he was offended. His song touched on alot of things.. it’d be easy for Himchan to misunderstand.

“I know... It was something that you needed to get out. Ever since you got to express that side of you, you’ve been different. Your smile seems a bit brighter, your laugh a bit louder.. its good.”

“You think so?” Yongguk turns to look at Himchan only to see that his friends eyes are filled with tears.

“I Know so. For some reason, just like everyone else I thought of you as more than a human. I’m your best friend and I didn’t know.. we lived together, I saw you everyday and I didn’t know that side of you was so big. I didn’t know that you wanted to disappear that you wanted the world or yourself to go away.. I’m sorry I didn’t take your depression seriously.”

Himchan doesn’t looked at Yongguk, and chooses to keep his watery eyes trained on the silent television. 

Yongguk stares at the side of Himchan’s face. No one has ever apologized to him before, especially for something like this.

“This..That isn’t your fault...” Yongguk whispers as he grabs Himchan’s hand. 

Himchan turns to look at Yongguk and smiles as finally his hold over his tears break.

“It isn’t anyones fault Chanie” Yongguk uses his other hand to dry his friends face.

“It is my fault..You should’ve been able to come to me and you couldn’t.” Himchan’s voice is especially raspy now and Yongguk is in awe of how hurt Himchan is, how angry Himchan is at himself for not paying better attention or acknowledging the elephant in the room.

“Himchan..Some times people are born just a bit different. Some times people are born sadder than others.” 

Himchan squeezes Yongguk’s hand not quite comforted and Yongguk offers a smile, unsure of how else to reassure him. Luckily Himchan understands.

Yongguk stands and heads to their shared room, but he’s startled by heat against his back and arms around his body that hold him in a tight embrace.. Suddenly Yongguk feels like he's 4 years old again. He hears his sisters voice whispering to him:

“Its Okay..”


	2. Himchan

!!!! TRIGGER WARNING !!!!!  
Ana/Mia/eating disorder  
EDNOS

!!!! TRIGGER WARNING !!!!!  
_________________________________

 

No one is perfect.

Himchan has been told this so many times throughout his life. instead of being used to it, he cant help but be annoyed. There is such a thing called perfect, and he's worked very hard to be close to it. 

During middle school and the beginning of high school, Himchan was a chubby thing. He was often the center of ridicule and backhanded compliments. He'd laugh them off, and throw in a self deprecating joke or two to get the attention off of him. No one knew how much their words stung... How some of their jibes rang too true to bare.

Himchan was 14 when he gathered his courage and stood in front of a mirror after showering. He dried off and didn't put on a towel or will his eyes to only look at certain areas. Himchan stood in front of the slightly foggy mirror & looked... He turned this way and that, his frown never leaving his face. Himchan poked at his legs and frowned at the way his thighs touched. His eyes narrowed at the sight of his stomach, it was unbelievably round and protruded in such a distasteful way. His arms, his calfs, his chin, his neck... The more he examined and analyzed, the more faults he found. Himchan hated his body. The next day Himchan had an apple and three bottles of water for breakfast and thought it best to skip lunch and dinner.

 

Himchan was 17 when he received his first love letter. Like always, he arrived to his music class fifteen minutes early for a quick warm up, but then he saw it... It being a small piece of parchment that was place on top of his Janggu. The stationary was a pastel pink and vaguely smelled of cherries, the person who written it made sure that their penmanship was perfect and not a character was out of place. As Himchan read, a slow smile spread across his face, the letter was beautiful and served its purpose in making him feel special. The last line made his heart flutter in a way that almost scared him.

"You're beautiful."

As his classmates began to filter in Himchan folded the letter, and placed it in the left inside pocket of his uniform.. Directly over his heart. Himchan could barely concentrate on the lesson, his mind on autopilot as he recalled the endearing words he read. 

The person who wrote such a touching letter wished to remain anonymous and after a few days Himchan gave up on finding out who the admirer was. Still, Himchan was extremely thankful. He was thankful that his time spent over a toilet with a finger at the back of his throat, heaving and willing his body to empty the contents of his stomach, hadn't gone unnoticed. Himchan was thankful that the skipped meals, long walks home, and hours of exercising had inspired someone to call him beautiful.. Something he didn't feel, but according to this letter, was.

 

Himchan is 20 when he and some of friends decide to audition for TS. To his surprise, and nobody elses, Himchan is the only one from the group to be signed. He meets many people, and is expected to live up to many different standards. He takes vocal and dance classes now. Months of hardwork later he's being moved into a dorm and introduced to two boys, Bang Yongguk and Moon Jongup. Himchan, though nervous tries his hardest to be personable. 

Himchan has two months of feeling complete, of finally feeling good enough. The feeling is amplified with the news that he and his roommates would be in a group called B.A.P, that they'll meet three more members soon. Himchan and Jongup spent the night celebrating with shots of coca cola and countless slices of pizza. Yongguk took part in the festivities but it was obvious to Himchan that he wasnt exactly thrilled. When Jongup decided that was past his bed time and headed to his room, Himchan stops Yongguk before he can retire as well.

"You don't seem very happy Yonggukie.. Arent you excited! Everything you've worked so hard for is about to be repaid to you ten fold!" Himchan face hurts from smiling so much, he didnt understand why his friend wasnt enjoying the moment. 

Yongguk gazed at Himchan with an air of superiority. The corners of his mouth tugged downward, he eyes went up and down Himchan's form. Himchan's smile slipped from his face.

"I don't want to be on the same team as you." Having said his peace, Yongguk quickly turned and retired to his room. Minutes passed and Himchan still remained in a stupor. Yongguk's words reverberate in his mind and he can't seem to make it stop.

Himchan vacated the living room and went straight into the bathroom.. After a quick shower, he dried off and looked into the mirror. Himchan dropped his towel and stares at his body. He's done this many times over the years but this time its different. This time Himchan is 15 again and he sees all the things he hated about himself then, and soon he spots a few more things to add to the list.

 

The next day Himchan skipped breakfast and heads to the dance studio to get a head start on things. Himchan buries himself in his lessons, he vies for a chance to feel complete.

 

The new members arrive, each more promising and closer to perfection than Himchan could ever hope to be. He goes through the motions, and hopes his new members love him just as much as he loves them. A bad fall, a messed up hand and a missed comeback places Himchan on the outside. He watches his group on TV with bitterness in his heart. Himchan is happy for them, but jealously has never been this encompassing before.

 

It's during BADMAN era that Himchan feels he's done what he can. He's the thinest he's ever been, he dances the best he can, his fan service is the best, and his voice lessons are finally paying off. 

 

The group is in a restaurant near their dorm and Himchan is ready to leave. They've all come to the agreement that after tonight B.A.P will be no more unless their company finds reason and realizes that things aren't as they should be. This is essentially their last meal. A meal Himchan can't take part in. He doesn't want to ruin the memory of this moment by not eating.. But he also doesnt want to destroy the body he worked so hard to get. Himchan looks around the table and smiles, everyone is enjoying their meal. He stifles a giggle as his eyes land on Junhong and the array of noodles on his shirt that didn't make the rush from bowl to mouth. 

Himchan starts when he feels a small weight on his thigh, he looks down to see a hand, after a moment he looks at the owner.

"Himchanie, be sure to stay healthy" Jongup says with a smile, he then picks up Himchan's chopsticks and places then in the elders hand.

"I'm not hungry Jongup. Besides I'm on a diet, remember?" Their eyes meet and Jongup's smile gets bigger, before he turns away and looks down at his lap, his fingers fidgeting.

"Remember when you took me to visit your mom and sister? They were so nice to me, they made me feel welcomed and showed me photos of you when you were younger.. In one of them you looked to be 13, maybe 14.. You wore glasses and your smile was so big that all i could see was you. I dont remember anything else about the photo, all I know is that the little boy in it looked so cute, his smile was so nice."

"What are you talking about Jongup? What does a picture you saw at my family's house have to do with right now? What does it have to do with us having our last meal?" Himchan loves Jongup but sometimes his long tangents annoy him. The boy means well but this time he has Himchan totally stumped. 

"What does it have to do with right now? Everything? Nothing? I'm trying to tell you that the boy in that photo was perfect. You're perfect. Especially when your happy." 

Jongup picks up Himchan's chopsticks and places them in his hand for a second time.

"Part of being happy, is being healthy."

Himchan grips the metal utensils as his world collapses around him. Did he know?

"Jongup. I-"

"Its okay, you don't have to talk about it. Just promise me that you'll do everything you can to be happy."

"I Promise"


	3. Daehyun

Daehyun is 12 years old when his family goes out for a night on the town. Theres no special reason for it other than to spend time together. 

Just before going home his mother drags him, his older brother, and father to a noraebong. Daehyun watches as they sing song after song, laughing at their antics and clapping after each performance. During a moment in between singing and giggling Daehyun's mother flips through the song book. She enters a few numbers, then looks to her husband with a warm smile.

A guitar and tambourine starts to play.... 

Daehyun and his brother instinctively know to quiet down. Father's favorite song is starting.

There was nothing new or special about his father singing this song. They have heard him sing it at home, humming it as he strolls grocery store aisles and sometimes even belting it while showering. And yet Daehyun feels inspired this time around. His gaze shifts from his father to his mother. Her smile has taken over her face. Father points to her and does a dramatic pose as he holds a note and mother laughs and blushes.

Shes star struk!

Daehyun isn't sure if he's ever seen her look so..so...smitten! He puts a hand over his mouth to keep his laughter at bay. Daehyun looks to his brother and catches him rolling his eyes in annoyance.

The song ends and Daehyun laughs when his father kisses his mother's forehead, only for her face to get even redder! How could a simple song reduce his mother to such a fangirl!

Father insists Daehyun sings but like always, he declines...

 

 

Daehyun is 14 when he meets her. She's loud, opinionated, funny and smart. She's also beautiful. They share a few classes and have had a conversation or two, but Daehyun can't work up the nerve to ask her out.

After class while studying in the library he hears her whisper excitedly to a friend near him, "Lets sign up for the talent show!" 

Both girls are giddy as they whip out their phones and text others in hopes of putting together a group performance.

 

Its while changing in the locker room for gym that Daehyun is asked by a friend "You're signing up for the talent show right?"

Daehyun shrugs, "I don't know..maybe.." he mulls over the idea of signing up while fiddling with his shoe laces. 

His friend smacks the back of his head, "Don't be dense! We heard you sing that time we forced you too at the noraebong! Sign up! Besides chicks love men that can sing."

Daehyun rubs the back of his head and gives his friend a very hard glare... 

 

After class Daehyun finds himself staring at the sign up sheet for the talent show.. maybe he should sign up? Maybe he'll do well and will have all the chicks like his friend said... maybe one girl particular. Maybe he'll make an ass of himself and become the laughing stock of the school! But maybe...... mind made up, Daehyun signs his name!

 

Two weeks later and Daehyun is one performance away from going on stage. And he can't seem to remember why he thought this was such a good fucking idea! Yea he practiced a lot but that doesn't mean he knows what he's doing!

His name is called. Daehyun walks on stage, he nods to the teacher in charge of the sound system, and closes his eyes.

 

A guitar and tambourine starts to play....

Daehyun isn't sure how everyone feels about his singing until the end of his performance. As he looks at the applauding crowd, he sees many blushing faces. Daehyun even gets a few cheers and screams... his father's song worked like a charm!

 

During the summer Daehyun convinces his parents to enroll him in a vocal academy. His mother wanted him to go to the typical cram school that could prepare him for a desk and a cubical, but his father smiled and nodded. His father told his mother it was a hobby, and it couldn't hurt for him to take it seriously.

 

Daehyun is 18 when he signs to TS Entertainment. He's shy and isn't sure of his accent. He meets his team mates and instantly befriends them. He feels homesick from to time but Youngjae is there for him. They become best friends pretty quickly and Daehyun is thankful. He tries his hardest to keep up with the rest of the group, he feels a bit lacking in some areas so he starts to hit the gym. 

They go on tours all over the world and he falls more in love with his fans every concert. Daehyun can't believe how blessed he is.

Daehyun is 22 when he's lying in bed in and he realizes he isn't sure what country he's in... or the last time he's spoken to his mother. Was a month or so ago when he convinced a manager to let him call and ask for money? Or was it when he saw her at a concert and asked her to buy him shoes? He can't seem to recall the last time he had a break, and wonders if the plane ride counts as one. 

 

They're practicing when it happens. Daehyun's singing and the next thing he knows he's looking up at a white ceiling and theres an IV in his wrist.

"Good you're up. Get dressed we gotta go."

He looks to his left and sees a manager sitting in a very uncomfortable looking chair. Daehyun frowns as he looks at his legs and the clothes that have been tossed there.

"Am I.. in a hospital?" Daehyun looks at the white walls of the room he's in... yup its a hospital.

The manager sighs in frustration, stomps up to Daehyun, and pulls the covers off him. The older man roughly moves Daehyun's stiff limbs into a sitting position on the side of the bed.

"Yes, you're in a hospital, you collapsed during practice. And yes we have to leave, you have a performance in an hour." The manager places a hand on Daehyun's IV to apply pressure while the other one eases the needle out slowly. Where's Yongguk?

 

"What? Did the doctors say I could go? Did you call my family?" 

Daehyun's throat is killing him, his voice sounds raspy.. The manager rips the hospital gown from his body and begins to dress him for the stage... He feels like a rag doll. Where is Yongguk? His mind can't process that this is actually happening.

"What the doctors don't know can't hurt them. The company wants you at this performance. I'll call your parents on the way to KBS. Stand up so I can put these pants on you." 

The manager checks his phone, "Okay, the van is here."

Daehyun frowns, shakes his head and sits back on the bed when the manager finishes buckling his belt "I don't think I should go.. Do the nurses know I'm awake?"

"The Company said you have to be there. You're awake, you're speaking, you look fine to me and I'm sure the doctors will say the same. Besides, if you don't go, theres no telling what the company might do to you...."

Daehyun tries to focus in on whats being said, but his mind can't seem to grasp what's happening

"What?"

"Unless you want to owe the company more than you already do, or perhaps even get fired... I suggest you get up and get your ass downstairs, now!" 

The angry manager then turns and heads out the door. It takes awhile, but Daehyun meets the manager in the hallway. They take the stairs instead of the elevator to bypass the hospital staff. They get in the van and theres a makeup artist waiting.

"I'm so sorry Daehyunnie.." she whispers as she tries to use all the tricks she's learned over the years to make him appear healthy.

 

 

No one speaks during the ride back to the dorms. Yongguk helps Daehyun settle in as the rest of the members gather in the living room. He helps Daehyun remove his makeup, wash & change into his pajamas. 

"Where's Youngjae?" Daehyun whispers as he sits on the closed toilet seat waiting for Yongguk to finish readying himself for bed.

"He's on the phone." Yongguk replies as he slips on a over sized black t-shirt.

 

Daehyun lies down in his bed, and is shocked when Yongguk slips in next to him. He doesn't know what to think when the elder puts an arm around him and he's pulled against a chest. Yongguk fits an arm between Daehyun's body and the bed and holds him close.

"I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I tried but.. I should have known and I should have been there.. I couldn't protect you and that will never happen again. "

Daehyun feels a lump in his throat, his eyes burn.

"Thank you for being so brave."

Daehyun turns to face Yongguk and hugs him. Daehyun feels a hand on his back rubbing circles and he can't help but to cry harder. Soon Yongguk lets go and slips out only to be replaced by Youngjae. They cry themselves to sleep that night.

 

 

_____________________________

 

Song:  
Empty Glass by Nam Jin


End file.
